Wednesday 30 December 2015


It's the difference between silence and sound. 
Just outside the bathroom a farm, with crowing roosters fluffing dust and gravel off their tails. The villa is harmonious with both breeze and screeching gecko. I hear each crackle and rustle as the rooster places his claw, regal even in this clump of fallen twig and dead leaf. 

The villa is silent of human sound. The other nine occupants have left on various adventures - water park, shopping excursions - I, lone wolf, among the ants and my words. 

I have been to Bali before; two years ago, in a villa like this, but with a koi fish pond and the beginnings of a raw grief. The rain gods began kicking up a storm from the moment we arrived. One night found me huddled on the cold bathroom floor, wishing away my barren life, wishing instead for a fertile womb, a baby. I wrote something that night:


Nothing bold. Perhaps the saddest year.
Certainly the loneliest. 

A storm outside does nothing to console me
inside, on the floor of a bathroom in Bali.

You will get everything you wish for.
Even sadness. Especially sadness.

That is the curse.
That is the price.

You would have been willing 
to pay anything (you thought).

Anything, but that. 

But that was then. And I am here now, a different self in the same place. The raw grief that haunted me has dissipated. I feel lighter. Not accepting, exactly, rather adjusting to each new discovery of a life less travelled in some ways, deeply traversed in other ways. All that matters is that I am here, now, surviving the wild heat and submitting to what will come.


Loree said...

Your writing is beautiful. I can feel your emotions and that's not something that every writer can convey. Wishing you many good things in 2016.

Shaista said...

Thank you Loree - and many good wishes for the new year to you too.

Juniper said...

Not an easy reflection back, the pain of the time when you were last in Bali is palpable and heartbreaking. I am so sorry. It is relieving to hear you are feeling in a different space now. May the rest of your time in Bali be restorative and tucked in with magic.

Unknown said...

Now I know what you did while we were away....

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