Is, I say, even though, on October 20, 2010, she died.
The thing is, it came as a complete shock to me to read the word Obituary alongside her name, because she wasn't supposed to die. Ever. Or at least not yet. Thirteen years I've been dredging up the courage to write to her, and failing miserably, because all I wanted to say was "I love you!" "You make me so happy!" And other toe-curling embarrassments.
She had lupus too, you know. Only she was 80 when it struck. And it made her snarky in interviews. (My love for her only deepened at this point, as you can imagine.)
So why, oh why, didn't I write to her?
And I realise I have tried to be amusing, because she always was, because this is not an obituary. But I am only pretending. The truth is, I am grieving, for someone who was never really mine. But her words are with me, which is all that matters. Right? At least, that is what I shall tell myself, for the rest of my life. Is there anyone you wish you could have written to? Is there anyone you did write to? And, if so, was it a good idea?
"You read what you've written, and you realise that something is still there. Because, you know, you see yourself tottering around, dropping china, having to go to bed at eight, but somehow something of your self remains, and you have written it." - Eva Ibbotson
|I love you Maria Charlotte Michelle Wiesner, otherwise known as Eva Ibbotson! You make me sooooo happy!!!|