Showing posts with label cambridge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cambridge. Show all posts

Friday, 6 June 2025

A THOUSAND FLUTES



There are trees everywhere, on my shelves. 
You could call them books, or leaves. 

Ada Limón says, ‘It begins with trees’
and although some might argue that 
‘it begins with water’, with the first separation 
into ‘the waters above and the waters below’

maybe we, in our separation, begin 
our ways of seeing with trees.
For example, we never remember 
that we are mostly water.

We always forget to drink 
in the casual days of abundance -
only when we are parched in the desert,
forced into famine, or praying at Ramadan, 

do we remember the sweet 
source of our beginnings.

We cut the willow down 
because she was rooting 
into the walls of our house, 
seeking the river.

I think of this most days. 
It was an us and her moment 
we never foresaw -
not my tree loving mother, nor me.



My mother adapts. She sees 
the holly that was hidden 
behind the willow
flourishing, freely, now.

I’m still in nostalgic mourning. 
The willow was a thousand flutes
singing all day long, like Radha 
dancing to Krishna.

Pigeons and doves made love in the 
shifting light of a green curtain.
Everything was music and dance
almost all year long.




It’s still now, empty.
My grandmother would have hated it;
Vera loved the willow 
as much, or more.

I liked hiding inside her.
She was not just tree, 
she was water too. 
But being water was her undoing.

She was planted outside a house, 
on a human road, between grass and car. 
Perhaps her death began 
at the moment of her birth? 

Did trees begin with us? 
No, they began with the sea. 

Oh, why do we end tree stories?

Do we?

My shelves are filled with leaves, 
and the willow lives inside me. 
The kissing and the killing
forever entwined within me.

© Shaista Tayabali, 2025




Photos by me, in Emmanuel College, Cambridge - post infusion
Art of Radha Krishna by @abhiart (Abhishek Singh)
Poem included on Dverse Poets Open Link night, a community who have been sharing poetry as long as I have had my blog... 


Monday, 21 August 2023

INTENTIONAL BIRTHDAY JOY

In the weeks leading up to my birthday, I try to be intentional about my gratitude. Here I still am, loved. 



I tend to myself in the ways that will fill me up for the unknown times ahead. I took the bus into town, crossed Parker's Piece and stepped into a cosy salon for a massage with baobab oil - seed oil from the tree of life (they say). I tried to infuse colour with my nieces' tenth birthday balloons in the conservatory (slightly deflated, but with original illustrations), birthday nails the colour of birthday balloons… flowers everywhere… 


Mum made a roast chicken with sweetcorn, mushrooms and potatoes on the side… And our beloved friend Joan Church whisked up the legendary chocolate cake she knows I have loved since my first bite in hospital in 2009 while I was still being weaned off a feeding tube… she learnt it was my birthday at 5pm and by 7:30 she was at the door, a cake with still warm icing, fresh from the oven, in the boot of her car!

Over the next few days, other friends stopped by. Dr Kumar with plums and then tomatoes, Dr Ly with walnuts from Vietnam, Sammy stayed the weekend while there was a wedding in the family... and a week after my birthday, I fulfilled a literary challenge set down by my friend Firdaus - to pick up the threads of my novel again! 

I sit in the conservatory and place a few sentences, a few words... like a few daubs of paint onto a canvas. A slow slow writer I am when it comes to fiction. Memoir and poetry come fast like trains and wind. A novel is slow pressure cooking for me. But if I don't keep at the cooking, a piece of my heart's desire continues to remain unfulfilled. So en avant! The poet warrior has work to do. A work of love, she hopes...



Monday, 22 August 2022

BIRTHDAY ANEW

At first, when the month approaches, I think of hiding. As though I can out run or camouflage myself against my own birthday. Why would you want to do that? you may ask. I’m not sure. A cumulative sense of feeling unanchored, lost, a questioning of the new self - are you the one I was supposed to be? Or have I let you down? 


But there were garlands woven by my mother, and my hands clasped, and kissed in the old Arabic style by my father, and his extravagant praise for the worth of his daughter in his life. 


A day earlier had seen us at Badger’s Wood, despite the heat and drought… the redwood stood tall and resplendent and the unbonsaid bonsai looked spectacular. 


Colette and Joseph made my birthday a day of delights and tales and cake, Mary Oliver poetry recited by me, a giant bear cuddled by Dad and even a tiny muntjac flew across the bottom of the lawn by the pond, just a little birthday wave. 


On the day of, I had afternoon tea with Victoria and Freya, and later dinner again with Mum… in between a gentle massage at the Grenville hotel spa and even my first delicious Margarita by myself on the hotel lawn, not a soul in sight, just Deborah Levy and I…













Dad’s blessings came earlier in the day. Later I found myself walking into the incense of St Paul’s Cathedral Church as evening Latin mass drew to a close. I wished the best for my loved ones. I thought of suffering. And I prayed for guidance in my own life, moving forward. Where to now, dear self of 44, where to now? 

Monday, 30 May 2022

DOG DAYS OF SUMMER

A photo diary of sorts for you … because Aunty Shai is rather fatigued and even the arrangement of words seems beyond me…it’s rain and sun and Sammy the cockapoo and Buddy the Akita, and six weeks (out of three months) with the little mousicles from KL. Two years of catching up with Grandma and Papa and Shai and a house in Cambridge with stairs and attics and books aplenty to get lost in. Imagination is running wild down the corridors and time is now, circular and fleeting all at once. The Jubilee weekend is almost upon us, and an Italian corgi by the name of Queen Nikie may be on the borrowing cards... I may also be travelling very soon, somewhere special. More about that anon... but first, the diary...











Au revoir May, en avant June. May the sun be merciful and the roses aplenty... and may we be well. Be well. 

Friday, 18 February 2022

FRODO AND SAMWISE, DOG DAYS

Who am I? Where am I? What day is it?




There are hailstones flinging themselves against my window pane and the wind sounds more like a hurricane, tunnelling between trees and rushing down these village lanes. Storm Eunice is here. 




Sometimes Samwise and I stare down country lanes that lead into the unknown, but having had one experience of being ‘lost’ in a field, with no end in sight, I steer my little pooch away from mysterious scents that beg to be followed. We chase sunsets and friendly scarecrows instead... 







Mum and Dad celebrated their wedding anniversary at the end of January, and Mum had a birthday a few days ago. The house is full of flowers, scents of freesia and mimosa, vases rarely used had to be found. A freshly baked chocolate cake arrived the day before Ma's birthday, via our friend Joan, and Irfan sent mithai - from Gupta’s - gifts can arrive this way these days - Singapore to London to Cambridge…

    

                                   

                                           

Who am I? We have lived so many lives already. The bell of mindfulness on my Plum Village app sounds every fifteen minutes, bringing me back to my present moment, which is quiet and safe and peaceful enough. My book is out in the world and being read, and I am learning that it takes Time to approach another piece of work while your heart and mind are still engaged with your first. I am tired, there is no doubt of that. Pops has had many sleepless nights, and I have been his aide-de-camp in matters of tea and biscuits… posh ones, Cartwright and Butler…


My fourth booster must be organised soon, I have taken my pre-infusion covid test in preparation for tmorrow’s infusion… and so it goes… do your days and months have a pattern? Do you experience the funny swoop? The little flutter that reminds you these are still strange times, and we must take care of ourselves and each other. The bell of mindfulness sounds again.