The Diary of a Lupie

long lonely dreary hours
stare insistently at me
I am running
chasing my own tail
tonight the Wolf is laughing at me

I am talking to deaf walls
straining for a reply
Only silence and madness accost me
I am sending rockets of thought
into the unknown quantity of night
knowing I will never be heard

these are the frustrations
from the diary of a lupie
struggling to make sense
of making sense at senseless times
when the questioning runs deep
but the listeners are asleep.

18 april 1998

Today

is the first day of a new phase
I am awake in sunlight and unafraid
I can hear the birds singing
and everywhere is golden and green
and smells clean just for me.

Today
I am wearing a watch for the first time
in a long time
though I don't care what time it is
I only know the light is alive and real
and that is enough for me.

Today
is smiles and laughter and absorption
in the billion things to do
like read a chapter or four
from a dozen books or more
and cast a careless glance
at the mess upon the floor
trek in time through the picture gallery
and hope secretly he'll call me.

1 feb 1998

Time

Time
creeps into decrepit corners to sulk
to brood amongst the weary hours
that escape me
tempting normality
that escapes me
daylight escapes me.

Time
exhausts me with imaginary purpose
seduces me with dreams that unfold
only to escape me
the cycle is haunting me
tainted with despair
that melts into hope
only to escape me.

Time
isolates me in the prison of my mind
I am vapour floating in the cell
aimlessly
until time traps me
only to escape me.

28 jan 1998

Balancing Act

I am sure only of the immediate.
Nothing is solid beneath my feet.
Perhaps it never has been.
Always the observer
but never more so than now;
I am in between everything
watching listening waiting,
always waiting,
and then the moment is upon me
and I am startled unawares.

I nearly tumble off the brink
till something magical winks at me
and I am caught
in a painfree moment.

15 jan 1998

On New Year's Eve

A cold is a cold is a cold
But not when you have Lupus
It is a beautiful day outside
Golden and silver lights on a breeze,
A breeze I cannot feel
A natural beauty beyond me
Trapped as I am in pain;
No painful oblivion am I accorded
No heady drugged state do I lie in
No, I am aware of everything
Although I begin
to feel the collapse of sense -
I am struggling with pounding heart
and shaking hand
and aching back and legs
and outside the faint song of bird
and rumble of train
and tapping of spoon against cereal bowl,
I hear it all
and sometimes see nothing at all
in the darkened room
As the world rushes by
and life is lived on
New Year's Eve.

31 dec 1997

Drugged

Semi darkness; semi conscious
I am writing to know this is real
While it howls and it spits outside
Inside is my own storm
Mental madness; mental sadness

I have no immunity
I have an illness
called Lupus.

Sometimes I think I'm imagining it all
that the pain is a figment
the distress my creation
that I'm a fake and a phony
and if I'm not careful
they'll call my bluff -
or is that only wishful thinking?

I laugh in the face of pain
till it laughs right back
in the middle of the night
throbbing in my head, stabbing in my legs
and screwing with my brain

I am in pain
I have an illness
called Lupus.

27 dec 1997

Empty slate

stares back at me expectantly
Hungry slate
has waited patiently...

There is much to say
in a tangled web
Inside
energy burns
with a slow glow
Invisible
to the living world.

I have my own world
a castle built in pain
I am my only prisoner
trapped within the grains
I watch the sand slide
and the sun set
on each tomorrow
I hear the sounds of living
and the pressure
to keep moving
and I step out of the crowd
to hide my sorrow
while the axe grinds
and the clock chimes

but who am I
with the pounding heart
and the tired eyes?

I am
the darkness in the light
clouded in fear
the coward the victim
I am
the shining star
the smiling power
the lover the vision
I control the destiny
that controls me,

I am the pain
and I am the cure
Now
bother me no more -

dec 1997