THE MYSTERY OF THE ORIGIN OF SEPSIS

Four days in a blue box and then suddenly, huge windows overlooking fields of gold, a giant chessboard and the brief sounds of children playing.

I have been admitted again. For the third time this year - and the manyth fever spike. The Mystery of the Origin of Sepsis continues to baffle. Is it Infection or is it The Lupus? The awful perennial question. For the doctors it is a problem that must be solved to avoid over treatment. For me, although I have an equally honed detective instinct, the clues all occur in the same body. The same mind must control the same fears and maintain a ninja like balance.

In the blue box with no windows - let us call it MDU or Medical Decisions Unit - lives Rosie. Rosie's husband Dave was brought into hospital and since he is her carer, Rosie was admitted at the same time. For much of each day and each night, Rosie keeps her coat on and her handbag tucked neatly into the crook of her elbow, ready to leave. Not a word in her strings of sentences makes relevant sense, but must surely make perfect sense in the world she inhabits all by herself. T'was quite alarming having Rosie peer round my curtains like a friendly bat looking for her mate. It was only on the last night when another patient with dementia arrived, one with a particularly nasty tongue, that Rosie's comparative sweetness shone through. A lost little bat, in the entirely wrong cave.

And then I was wheeled away to be transferred here to Hepatology. I waved royally to my fellow inmates as Greg The Porter deftly manoeuvred my bed past them - you lucky duck, said Brenda, turning green, thinking I was heading home (although how I could leave, bed et al...). It was my opposite neighbour's 78th birthday and she was teary hugging me goodbye. We make friends fast in the blue boxes...

Margaret wasn't allowed flowers in MDU, not even birthday roses... but here in Hepatology, my cousin Imran, dressed in an excellently cut suit jacket, brought me Chicky Chocky Speckled Eggs and a delicate bouquet of pink and white posies. They'll have to wrestle the posies away from me...

THE EXPERT OF SMALL THINGS

Picture Cambridge on a sunny morning. Here, this will help...

Imagine arriving, not at the entrance to an imposing college courtyard but a court nonetheless. Imagine being greeted by your favourite surgeon and feeling perfectly at ease as you climb some stairs with him by your side talking about your recent trip to India...

Imagine almost reaching the top of those marble stairs and being dazzled, not by the (really quite cool) ceiling architecture, but on finding the room packed full of strangers, all sophisticates in the field of neuroregenerative science expecting you to present the Human Face. 'Just a handful of people in jeans' was how The Blue Eyed Surgeon had described the event to me. I turned around and pretended to flee down the stairs...
The focus on this year's course at the Cambridge Centre for Brain Repair is on inflammation and I was one of the patients interviewed - the other was a man living with Parkinson's Disease, whose life story included surviving the Gulf War - if you can describe developing Parkinson's as survival. Apparently the military have taken partial responsibility for what is believed to be a result of chemical nerve agents deployed - I didn't realise almost half of all Gulf War veterans are suffering some form of multi-system illness. I thought the soldier was a hard act to follow. He had a DBS in his skull! (If Keith hadn't leaned over and explained what a Deep Brain Stimulator was, I wouldn't have known either).
Prof Martin introduced my case, asked me on to the stage to elaborate on life with SLE, and then presented a fabulously grisly series of images and video footage of the various operations we have endured together (at opposite ends of the knife and scissors). I realised that it was the first time I was being given the opportunity to weave glaucoma and lupus into the same conversation. In clinical environments I am usually expected to siphon off the relevant aspects of my case to the particular departments. Here, I could be whole for a while.

When the floor opened up to questions, a man at the back of the Cripps Court auditorium asked me a delicious question about the marriage of living with chronic disease and my life as a creative writer, which gave me full opportunity to be my poet self. In fact, through the course of the interview, I found myself mentioning the fact that I am a poet several times to my own surprise. The word kept falling out of my mouth. How have I coped with life endangering and sight endangering diseases? Poetry! The gift of finding beauty and connections - the gift of seeing more than what is visible or tangible or even real in the most concrete sense. It is an unreal thing to be sick all the time. Unreal to have been contemplating your mortality since you were a teenager. I can't begin to imagine how I would or possibly could have unravelled my life without literature, art and poetry.
I thanked the stranger for his lovely question. Later I learn that the 'nice man at the back' is only the head of Stem Cell Medicine at Cambridge - Professor Robin Franklin.
Yes, I'm name dropping! What of it? And yes, I took a selfie before I left the house - because who doesn't?